Bumper Sticker Ideologues

I’ve often thought that there must be some negative correlation between bumper stickers and intelligence. It seems that the greater the number of bumper stickers to be seen on a car’s back end, the less intelligence can be found thereby expressed. It doesn’t matter which end of the political or cultural spectrum is being advocated, bumper sticker ideologues seem to try to make up for the shallowness of their thought-life by the sheer depth of their plasterings.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not actually against bumper stickers as such. I think it’s great if you want to make a joke on your car or support your Alma mater with some adhesive space. I’m just against trying to make wide ranging statements about life in the world on an 18 by 4 inch billboard while traveling at 70 miles per hour. You simply can’t make an argument like that. It is not so much that I disagree with this or that opinion that you have, but how substantive can you be on an over sized index card?

For instance, take the example of Einstein was a Vegetarian: Think about it. This, I suppose, is designed to connect Einstein’s intelligence with the rather dubious dietary practice of ignoring the fact that we have the same sorts of teeth in our jaws as do our friendly neighborhood carnivores. Aside from the question of what being an expert in Astrophysics has to do with knowing whether Bessie the cow is our friend or our food, you kind of wonder what our vegetarian friends would make of a bumper sticker relating the ardent vegetarianism of someone born just ten years later and from the same neck of the woods as Ole Albert. Hitler Was a Vegetarian: Think About It. That’s right; Ole Adolph was a vegetarian, non-smoker, and non-drinker. I’ll bet Bessie seems a tad tastier now, eh?

Another of my favorites is, You Can’t Hug a Child with Nuclear Arms. This has the advantage of sounding oh-so important without going to the trouble of saying anything at all. Of course you can’t hug a child with nuclear arms! There are plenty of other things in this world that you can’t hug a child with. Buicks for example: They simply are not huggable at all. It’s just that Buicks are not designed to hug children. They are designed to be a way you can spend far too much money on gas. Nuclear arms are likewise not designed to hug children. They are designed to be something so unimaginably awful that no one in his right mind will get up from the negotiating table and risk open war. They are designed to make damned sure that that huggable child can grow up to create inane bumper stickers of her own one day.

Lately I have come across a couple of stickers related to just how God fits in with politics. The first one is fairly innocuous. It simply says, God Bless All Nations – No Exceptions. I’m guessing that this is a response to those who, for some crazy reason, want God to bless America. However, there are others that seem to think that wishing good for one’s own people over and above those who are not is a bad thing. Well, I’m sorry folks. I am more interested in the good of Americans than I am the good of anybody else! I also more interested that my nephew wins his basketball game than I am that your kid does. This doesn't mean I hate your kid. It just means that I love those connected to me more so than I do those who are not. My love for America supersedes my love for some random human just as my love for that same random human overrides my love for a shark who’d like to eat him.

The second one just misses being redundant, but ends up being just plain condescending. It goes something like; God is not a Republican or a Democrat. Yes, thank you very much. I had already gotten the impression that God was around for a little while before Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Jackson started running for office. The thing is, the way I just wrote it isn’t how it shows up on a car near you. What it actually says is;

God is not a Republican or a Democrat.

So what does this sticker actually say? It says that you are really ticked off when you people confuse GOP and GOD. Fair enough. If each party was listed equally then you’d be making a fair statement that we could all get on board with. But it also says that you don’t think that this is a lesson that Democrats need to hear. It says that you are either so naïve or arrogant that you don’t think this is a street that goes both ways. If you don’t think Democrats do this too then just sit and listen to religious liberals opine at a party. They are as disgusting as any Pat Robertson clone ever dreamed of being.

So please, if you want to put something on the back of your car, just make sure it’s short and sweet and preferably tries to be no more serious than the space allows. But if you do want to make a cultural statement, and you actually think the world is more complex than a five word essay, then do me a favor. Do what reasonable people with a need to emote do: make a blog where you can pontificate to your heart’s content. I think we’ll all appreciate your car’s back side more in the end.